bittersweet me

Ok so I really thought that I had put the past behind me. I deleted Bunny erased her pictures and her IM accounts. I cut off all contact and I truly believed I was moving on.

But I made a mistake. I met a new girl called tess. She loves me so much. She is so caring and I can feel that she thinks the world of me. But I forgot to delete one pic of the false Bunny from my friendster and so she questioned me and I had to tell her the truth.

I later heard from Bunny that Tess had contacted her, something I really wish didnt happen because now all the pain and all the sadness is coming back to me.

I found myself with no choise but to tell tess the truth And as I heard her crying so hard my heart broke once more. I told her that I thought I had gotten over Bunny but after she mailed me I found myself once again thinking of her everyday and I know I still wish this wasnt happening and I still love her.

I find it so hard again to let go. I wish I could make this pain go away but I dont know how or what to do. When I met Bunny my life changed and I was truley happy to find love for the first time. Real love non sexual and honest. Now I wish I could turn back the clock so I dont need to suffer such an ubearable pain. I really have no idea how to mend a broken heart or how to carry on.

I feel I cant relate to women anymore as I see my chances of hyappiness fly past my eyes and I let them go because all I can see is her.

So now tess is so unhappy and probably she wont ever speak to me again and I know its my fault for waiting long enough or for just being confused.

I miss Bunny so much that I just dont know what I can do anymore. I dont know how to feel. I just long to hear something nice from her. I long for her to love me but I know it wont happen.

So tess now knows that I cry for Bunny at night. I didnt think it fair to lead her on so the truth was the only way to go. Now I find myself trapped in some kind of limbo from which I have no escape.

I always use words like cry but even so I have never ever cried for a woman. I feel the time is coming because I cant bear the pain and I cant fill the gap Bunny left in my life.

Im so confused and so hurt. I feel my heart is lost at sea and slowly drowns and there is nothing I can do.

I know I must accept that Bunny doesnt love me now that she is with anouther man but something inside me just wont let go and I think I will never be happy again.

Tess asked me to add her on facebook but I couldnt. I invented an excuse because I dont want my family to see her. They still think I am with Bunny and that everything is ok between us. I just dont have the courage to tell them that im so broken and that me and Bunny no longer even speak to each other. I couldnt bear them to see how low I have become and how sad I feel. I dont want them to suffer for me so I just hide myself away and try to make excuses to not be available to them.

I know I havnt cried since I was a child but tonight I think I will cry as I never cried before. I cant hold it in anymore. The pain I feel is over whelming and I really dont know what to do.

Im not myself anymore. I wish I could just make a new life with tess but I cant control my feelings and while I still love Bunny I not love or be loved.

I wish someone could help me, save me from myself. I hope someone knows how I can stop hurting and help me move on.

Ive lost hope. I wish I could hide myself, let the earth swollow me and never be found again. For the first time in my life I just dont know how to carry on. Help me someone, please, I beg of you. I'm hurting so hard.

LESSON 5: Babysitting.

Hi, my name is Richard-Jonathan. I am 31 years old. Starting just a few short weeks ago I started a new job as a painting overseer for a large construction company that specializes in the interior and exterior painting of tower block housing. They need someone to control the painters, watch over them and organize them. Being an English guy has a lot of 'pros' and not too many 'cons' I've come to learn, especially if you are one of the very few who live in Northern Spain and happen to speak their language to the perfection. When I found this job I was just making stuff up to say but fortunately my GoldenBoy charm did its work and now I'm into the very interesting business of watching people paint.

I've been in this job now for a month. As a goldenboy I try to be the best in all I do.. mainly because I am. So my mental notebook is full of wonderful facts about the art of painting. Mastering the art and becoming the master. I now comand a small army of 7 painters all equiped and ready every morning at 8am awaiting my orders. Like a general I plan the strategy and send out the troops. The whole four tower construction site now belongs to me even the archetect come to consult me with his doubts. All this I have achieved in just one month without any previous experience. I guess an IQ of 143 comes in handy. A new guy came today (also from pakistan ..lol also spits and snorts grrrrr) he works like well but is a little too calm (I've yet to see a pakistani walk fast). I left him alone he did his job and I'm happy to not have to babysit him. On the other hand there is anouther guy who I need to check on every five minutes. How can someone do everything wrong? Is it so hard to understand that everything that shouldnt be painted needs to be covered? I start to get real annoyed with him as I just dont have the time to breast feed. Like Anakin the dark side tempts me but I must behave even if only for myself. I will however start my own crusade against all bad habits like spitting on the floor.. for gods sake! Crusade wasn't intended as a pun even if all the pakistanis are muslims HAHAHAHA!

This year I decided to take leave of my studies as an I.T. engineer at the university of La Rioja while I concentrate on other aspects of my life. Up until now I've been wondering from job to job looking for one that suits me even in these times of financial crisis. Who knows maybe one day I'll even save the world.

I missed my everpretty girl vivian zhao. I missed smiling and sometimes laughing at her womanly advice . Im so glad she is back as we were about to get to know each other. If anyone decides to delete her again I will be forced to use my english kung-fu...basically it consists of a headbutt and finishes with cheap kicks to the head and stomach when they're on the floor..but everyone has thier own technique. I call mine hit hard and run like hell. Couldnt find a animal name like, hidden monkey or sepents eye. oh well. Glad you are back and you mailed me vivian ..very glad..i was worried!

How many times do I have to hear people preaching about being happy? Someone made the comment "I'm always happy", and I snapped. They must have such boring lives. I'd rather end it all than be happy everyday. Where is the passion? Isnt it our bad times which make being happy oh so much more enjoyable? I'd rather become a monk and live in solitude than walk around everyday with a false smile. The person who made this comment seemed very proud of herself for sharing such wisdom and brightening my life with her nonsense do-goodie drivel until I cut her down with a glance. How can I be happy when I see so many unhappy things around me. Any time you want that happy feeling to go just watch the news and see the reality of the real world where real people suffer constantly. I revel in my passion and I revel in my pain and whenever I am happy: I am truley happy. True happiness can only follow sadness or anger because they are what mark the difference without them happiness wouldnt exist. They are what make us 'human' without them we would just be drones with fake faces hiding in the shadows of our own false truths, decieving ourselves into believing that our sadness is happiness. I came to the conclusion that the best answer when people make such remarks is 'whatever' and that, yes, that made me happy even if only for a fleeting moment.

As this is my first day without drinking alcohol I decided to go to the supermarket to buy mineral and tonic water. I stood waiting in line with all the things I needed in my hands. Some insane woman was buying half of the stock in the store so I had a long wait ahead. I contemplated the bad organization they have here in Spain. Two people at the registers and everyone else doing useless tasks or so it seemed to me. The queues began to grow and meander between the isles. Finally the woman paid and it was my turn but the cashier decided to help her bag it all up. This was me: t(--t).

I realized that all Spanish people are obsessed with keeping their shopping as far away from that of anyone else when they are putting it on the conveyor belt until they find safety behind a plastic separator. This obsession brings some of them to lean their arm between as if they where the separator others jump to attention if something rolls forth and others just refuse to load their shopping until they feel 100% safe from any product mixing. Strange people indeed! This obsession intrigues me and I do all I can to casually get my shopping as close as possible to see their different reactions. Most dont cope well under such stress and you can see their worried faces, they will not take their eyes of my shopping.

Finally the most annoying thing is when you've already waited long enough and just as its your turn the woman in front has to find the exact amount in change that the cashier asks for. I saw her counting cents, looking deep into her purse, losing count and counting again. I felt like ripping it from her hand and throwing it as far as I could. Of course I just sighed and continued to be patient.

Certain flowers are for certain occassions but in my ignorance I chose only with the idea that a beautiful flower is for a beautiful woman and lilies are beautiful.

This is for you I hope you like it:

This year vassa started on july 4th, I mistakingly thought it started on july 14th. It is of course of no consequence to anyone but myself and I determined to continue vassa for an extra 10 days. This year I will be without drinking alcohol in any form, food, drinks, chocolates etc. I will also reflect upon the things I have done this year and how I can learn from my mistakes through meditation each day.
The duration of vassa is three lunar months and ends in october.

If anyone else is participating I would like to hear from you.

LESSON 4: Ramen a GoGo.

Hi, my name is Richard-Jonathan. I am 31 years old. Starting just a few short weeks ago I started a new job as a painting overseer for a large construction company that specializes in the interior and exterior painting of tower block housing. They need someone to control the painters, watch over them and organize them. Being an English guy has a lot of 'pros' and not too many 'cons' I've come to learn, especially if you are one of the very few who live in Northern Spain and happen to speak their language to the perfection. When I found this job I was just making stuff up to say but fortunately my GoldenBoy charm did its work and now I'm into the very interesting business of watching people paint.

Being a hard worker such as myself and continuously studying and learning new things: I can have quite the appetite. I need wholesome food which will provide all the nutrients, vitamins and minerals that a GoldenBoy could need after a hard day. So I eat lots and lots of instant ramen. Oh, those strings of pleasure in their boiling broth. May the heavens shine upon me and bring me their succulent and delicious nectar. Warm me, fill me with endless joy as I devour bowls and bowls of your light. In passion I sway in endless joy, may I love my noodles, oh, mana of the gods. Ooooooooooh, Aghhhhhhhh, hmmmmmmmmm. I certainly would like to make my own: eggs, flour of high and low gluten, water, more flour, boiling water. This is so educational! It would seem the soup required needs years of experience to find the perfection of that of instant ramen. So I vow from this day forth I will become the greatest ramen chef in the world even if I must travel half the world and study in Japan! Yes, this my new goal, my objective and it shall be done for I am GoldenBoy.

This year I decided to take leave of my studies as an I.T. engineer at the university of La Rioja while I concentrate on other aspects of my life. Up until now I've been wondering from job to job looking for one that suits me even in these times of financial crisis. Who knows maybe one day I'll even save the world.

LESSON 3: The art of war (GoldenBoy style).

Hi, my name is Richard-Jonathan. I am 31 years old. Starting just a few short weeks ago I started a new job as a painting overseer for a large construction company that specializes in the interior and exterior painting of tower block housing. They need someone to control the painters, watch over them and organize them. Being an English guy has a lot of 'pros' and not too many 'cons' I've come to learn, especially if you are one of the very few who live in Northern Spain and happen to speak their language to the perfection. When I found this job I was just making stuff up to say but fortunately my GoldenBoy charm did its work and now I'm into the very interesting business of watching people paint.

Being a GoldenBoy sometimes causes problems too:
A new guy came today (a Pakistani) I recieved a call from the boss and was told to give him work; which I did. We work split shift and on the second half I came to find the pakistani's all shouting at each other. I dont understand thier 'fuck talk' but I did understand what was going on. It seems one of the pakistanis has a superiority complex and believes he has the right to tell the others what to do and dominate his fellow country men. I stayed silent and continued with my work. I was informed later by the new guy that they had argued over who was in charge. He had told the other pakistani that he recieved orders only from me. Suddenly I'm caught up in civil war. I decided to stay out of it. Later on the pakistani boss guy came to see me, implied i worked badly and slowly as he sniggered. I realised I was caught in the middle like it or not and silence wasnt going to help. I felt the knots begin to form on my forehead and gritted my teeth. He must have realized by the look in my eyes what was about to happen and fled. I decided I needed to put this guy in his place but being a GoldenBoy things have a way or working out without my intervention. An hour later the owner of the company called us to help bring in the new materials. After unoading he winked at me and made a signal for me to stay but so did this other guy. The owner walked towards us and with a look of disgust sent the pakistani to work. Did I mention I'm GoldenBoy? Did I mention that the owner of the company is actually a friend of mine and we play pool regulary?

This year I decided to take leave of my studies as an I.T. engineer at the university of La Rioja while I concentrate on other aspects of my life. Up until now I've been wondering from job to job looking for one that suits me even in these times of financial crisis. Who knows maybe one day I'll even save the world.

LESSON 2: Bodily Fluids.

Hi, my name is Richard-Jonathan. I am 31 years old. Starting just a few short weeks ago I started a new job as a painting overseer for a large construction company that specializes in the interior and exterior painting of tower block housing. They need someone to control the painters, watch over them and organize them. Being an English guy has a lot of 'pros' and not too many 'cons' I've come to learn, especially if you are one of the very few who live in Northern Spain and happen to speak their language to the perfection. When I found this job I was just making stuff up to say but fortunately my GoldenBoy charm did its work and now I'm into the very interesting business of watching people paint.

After a few weeks working hard and learning I came to realise that all of the people I work with smell badly. One day whilst happily learning the art of rolling sythetic based resin up the walls for tile preperation I realised, after hearing a loud snorting noise that these people also spit on the floor. They do it continuously, how do they manage to stay alive without drinking the fluids they lose spitting on the floor? In that precise moment I felt something humid on my hand. My vision narrowed, the sky turned grey, all became dark as my eyebrows leaned one toward the other and I gave way to my dark side.
For the rest of that day noone dared speak, there was no more spitting or snorting, noone even breathed heavily for fear of getting my attention.
Only two things trigger my dark side automatically one of them is not acting with education, politeness and respect. The other is invading my personal space. Unfortunatly for one guy that day he put his hand on my shoulder the rest is history.

This year I decided to take leave of my studies as an I.T. engineer at the university of La Rioja while I concentrate on other aspects of my life. Up until now I've been wondering from job to job looking for one that suits me even in these times of financial crisis. Who knows maybe one day I'll even save the world.